Emily from Frankly Ms Shankly and I went to the cinema this week to see Ouija: Origin of Evil, and being horror movie buffs came up with a few handy tips to stay alive if you find yourself needing to sidestep a demon or two.
Small children are evil
Have you ever seen a horror film where the wide-eyed, pale-faced child is NOT responsible for all the evil? They’re creepy as hell. If you happen upon a silent wee kiddie who just stares at you blankly, don’t just assume it’s thinking about puppies and kittens. Chances are it is in the midst of summoning a demon, or even is a demon. Banish that fucker to the depths of hell. That is especially true if that child tells you they have an “imaginary friend”.
Do NOT split up to “investigate”
This is probably the single dumbest thing you can do if you find yourself in the starring role of a real life horror. If someone wanders off and reappears silently, they’ve probably become possessed by some form of evil and will kill you. Keep an eye on where your pals are to reduce the risk of one of you becoming one of them. Vampires, werewolves, demons and zombies don’t want to attack you in groups, so keep your friends close. Form a human chain like in nursery school if you need to.
Actually zombies do attack people in groups. Zombies don’t give a fuck. The safety in numbers rule still applies, and also you don’t necessary need to run faster than everyone in your group. You just need to run faster that the slowest person. Or is that bears?
Don’t wander around a spooky house or asylum in the dark
If you think your house might be haunted, don’t check out what just went bump in the night in the dark. Did you hear that noise? Buy one of those torches that shines with the light of a zillion candles. If your home is built on the site of an ancient burial ground, invest in some good overhead lighting. Get some energy saving bulbs if you need to, but whatever you do, DON’T TURN OUT THE LIGHTS. This is no time to be energy efficient.
Beware of hitchhikers/hitchhiking
No one hitchhikes at night, and I mean nobody. If you see someone standing in the middle of the road in the dark (especially if they’re wearing strangely formal clothing) trying to flag you down? Drive on by. Lock those doors and get the hell out of dodge, because that woman in white doesn’t just want a lift to the next rest stop.
Be careful what you say in front of mirrors
I’ll make the exception for Beetlejuice, but don’t be tempted to say the name of some urban legend in front of a mirror because that’s what causes you to bleed from your eye sockets and some dude with a hook to come after you. In fact just stay away from mirrors in dimly lit rooms altogether. Why would you look in the mirror in a dark room anyways? What exactly do you expect to see? Are you checking your lipstick? Use the selfie cam on your phone if you must, it’s much safer.
Don’t buy that bargain house that someone “might” have died in
I realise the housing market is a nightmare right now, and it’s hard to get on the property ladder. That 6-bedroom mansion that a family was horrifically murdered in might *seem* like a bargain, but maybe think about renting for a few more years or moving back in with your parents. The sounds of people being butchered coming from the walls will probably disrupt your sleeping patterns, and if you do make it out alive, the place will be an absolute bitch to shift.
Don’t go down to the basement
You know what would deter the evil spirits from festering in your dark and dingy basement? Of course your boiler is probably down there, along with a washing machine and a pile of broken doll heads, but it could really do with some cheery decor. Check there are no bodies bricked in behind the walls, stick a couple of wall lights up, paint the whole thing a bright colour and invest in some nice throws. Turn it into a rec room! Demonic spirits HATE a rec room.
Sell your VW Camper van
Any horror film that starts with a group of happy-go-lucky teenagers on a road trip in a VW camper van inevitably ends with at least half of them being horrifically butchered by a maniac. Have you seen Texas Chainsaw Massacre? Get a nice estate or a minivan, no one gets murdered driving one of those.
Stay away from Artefacts
If your friend tells you they’ve “found” some mysterious artefact with weird latin script on it, unless they’re an archaeologist, don’t ask to check it out. Especially not late at night. Alone. In the woods. This would not be a good idea.
Toys are evil
This is not Toy Story, you are not in a Pixar film. Toys that come alive at night are probably not benevolent creatures just wanting to “play”. Or maybe their definition of playing is more along the lines of a “fun” bloodbath. Dolls with porcelain faces are creepy as hell and should never, ever, ever be given as a gift to anyone unless you hate them.
In fact, whilst you’re at it you should probably also stay away from dollmakers as well.
Stay safe, kids.