Airport observations: one delayed flight from CDG to Edinburgh 

I said I wasn’t going to write an end-of-year post, but if I’m honest, this is more to keep me from losing my shit in the airport than anything else. Yes, my flight is delayed. I reek of broken dreams & recycled air. My perfume? Eau de Despair. 

  • Someone rubbed up against me. I’m pretty sure they were carrying Camembert. A particularly ripe one. Either that or they need to get some latent digestive disorder checked out
  • Why are people taking off their shoes in the boarding queue? This is weird 
  • Oh look. That dude is scratching his balls
  • I wonder what it’s like to board a plane with just a handbag? I have a small suitcase, a large laptop bag, another bag with my actual laptops in it, and a sack of shit I bought at duty free because I was bored. Not gonna even pretend most of it isn’t alcohol 
  • We all decided en masse to sit on the floor still in queues. Ten feet away from actual seats. Wonder if we are protesting? What are we protesting? Oh fuck I can still smell the cheese
  • Some guy is lying on the floor face down on his bag. We’re delayed, but come on. It’s only been twenty minutes!
  • I have been wearing this bra for so long I think it’s become part of my boob
  • If my underwire & my tit fuse together, would that make me a slightly crappy Wolverine? 
  • The couple sitting across from me sound like they are on a first date. I’m not joking 
  • A very loud woman is telling us we should let our loved ones know we will be delayed. Uh, no I’ll just blog about it
  • Why is she shouting directions? I’m pretty sure she doesn’t work for the airline 
  • I would literally pay anything rn for a direct flight 
  • I’m lying down now
  • Laptop bags make terrible pillows
  • They’re making an announcement! They’re making an announcement!
  • That announcement was not helpful at all 
  • So we’re delayed because they misplaced the bus that is to take us from the terminal to the plane. I feel there are a number of ways this could be resolved 
  • People are panicking. In French. The French enjoy a good panic 
  • I can literally hear Chinese whispers in about 3 languages & people are not handling this well 
  • Oh goody. Some guy in a man bun is mansplaining runways queues. He does not work for the airline 
  • Why are people standing up? Is there progress? What’s going on?!
  • Oh I see. Snacks 
  • Why is the man bun a thing? Why is it called a MAN bun? Why not just call it a crap hairstyle and not gender it maybe? 
  • Why are people standing up, then sitting down, then standing up? Are we playing a drinking game?
  • Loud woman from earlier is hinting she should be allowed to board early as she was so “helpful”. Calm doon hen, we’re 2 hours late. Don’t think the extra 8 minutes is going to make a difference 
  • They have a bus! 
  • Omg it’s not a real bus, it’s a bunch of mini buses. I’m HOWLING

OK folks. I’m on the plane. It’s been a wild ride, and there was that rocky patch in the beginning with the dude and his Camembert. But I made it. We made it. 

Happy new year everyone! 

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